I apologize in advance. This is a little gross. Okay, well, it’s a lot gross. But, somewhere inside – where my gross, little, 2-year-old, sticky-fingered boy lives – well, he loved it a ton. And my 57-year-old, non-sticky-fingered (most of the time) female self thought it might just be the thing to make candy not appear so appealing. Sort of like hypnosis that equates brownies with horse poop in your mind. (Hey, I need that one.)

So, anyhow – would you like a little beaver urine in your candy bowl? Maybe a bit of butane to light up your sweet treat? Or how ’bout some ‘eau de sheep sweat with your candy? No? Awww, why not? (That’s the 2-year-old whining ‘cuz you’re ruining his fun.)

Well, of course you don’t. You wouldn’t eat that gunk. DIS-gusting. Puh-leez! (Hmmm, must be an inner teenager crowding in there, too.)

Yeah, well, the joke’s on you. If you enjoyed some nice hits of Halloween candy yesterday, that’s probably what you had. I know; me sorry. I hate to ruin your fun. But if you really want some sweet something (other than me … blush, blush), at least indulge in some well-made, reasonably-decent ingredient, actual food-qualifying dessert, not this stuff.

If this helps you see candy as not-such-a-great-thing, it’s worth it. Every bit counts when you’re trying to turn away from stuff that’s not great for you to stuff that tastes good and actually provides fuel for you to be well.

So, here’s the line up, and then I promise not to nag you (much) about nutrition for a while:

•  Hidden under the term “natural flavoring,” which can be anything from plants or animals, is the ingredient castoreum. Or commonly known as an extract from a beaver’s perineal glands, quite possibly beaver urine. Yeah, I know. Who decided that was a perfect thing to add to food? Call me silly, but I really wouldn’t watch a beaver pee on my food, then eat it.

•  Used as a preservative is an item named Tertiary Butylhydroquinone (TBHQ). All those letters stand for a petroleum-derived form of butane. The FDA did limit its use to 0.02 of the total oil or fat content of a food. Why? Because 5 grams of this would be lethal. So, fingers crossed, most people aren’t getting that amount. But what does a lesser amount do? Does it accumulate? I don’t know, but it seems like a valid concern.

•  Lanolin, which we’re used to seeing in skin care products, is actually an oily secretion from sheep’s wool. So maybe sheep sweat isn’t the exact right term, but … still. You’ll find it in candy masquerading as “gum base.”

•  Love the shiny look of candy like jelly beans? The coating, termed confectioners’ glaze in the ingredient list, is often actually shellac, a sticky substance made from bug secretions. Maybe this isn’t harmful, but if you want to eat bug secretions, why not go on Survivor and at least try to win a million dollars? 😉

•  Same thing with that pretty red color of some candies. That is red dye made from a beetle, called carmine. This isn’t just icky; people have experienced severe allergic reactions to this ingredient.

So, next time you look at that nice bowl of candy, think of it as a mix of bug secretions, beaver urine and sheep sweat, all sprayed with a nice dose of butane, and then see if you still want to dig in.